First art class... Kate Sheedy

Today I went to my first art class!
This is my first art class picture...and oh my I think it's good!!!
Lol. I have started art class, because I love to doodle, love making pictures, am struggling with my second journey picture (still!) and was pretty much 100% convinced that I couldn't draw...and then I did this!
Surprise doesn't really cover it.
I can still see lots of little problems with it..and I don't think I'd ever want to do portraits for a living (or anything else that is actually supposed to look like something in particular) as I can see why my mother-in-law used to swear at her pictures so much trying to get them 'right'...
But I can draw 800% better than I thought I could!
Now I'm on the hunt for some images that approximate Lilith's face, and hopefully I can move on with my journey pics.

My mother nature.

I love my mother's pictures...especially the pictures she finds in nature...just looking through them on screen makes me happy and more relaxed...so here are three for us all to see.

And it's nearly mother's day too! It'll give me an excuse to do more mum things!

The motorway

Taken by my mum at Yorkshire Sculpture Park




Everyone is taking it in turns to be ill...Again! ...I'm trying to refuse to be ill.

This has been an amazing week where Thursday felt like Saturday, Friday felt like Sunday, and by yesterday we had no idea what day it was for half the time...

I like not knowing what day it is...I think it goes someway toward being in the moment once you begin to lose your framework.

I have a particular few moments that always feel as though no time has passed between them...the moment I realise it's Friday again, some point on every motorway journey, moments in the light on the beach, and having a cigarette with certain friends (though I don't smoke anymore so...) in those moments, some enjoyed for longer than others, suddenly nothing is separated, everything is a daydream or thought or distraction from that moment. It is all the same. In those moments I feel sure I am in them forever, have been, always will be...those are also the moments I am far from sure that I am me...I just happen to be part of the moment, as much as Friday, a cigarette, my friends or the light...no different to the motorway.

Happy to have my linkrolls back!!

Up and down with the sun

Enjoying some moments of peace, listening to Faithless and Coldplay
Life is a lot more settled and stable than my rollercoaster emotions/hormones would have me believe currently...

Walking home as the sun set early this evening gave me that wonderful hopeful sensation of the later evenings to come...Life is good. There is magic and mystery out there for the experiencing.

"Look at the stars"...

I've had fun exploring magnified pictures again...I've done a couple of pictures that I'm really not fond of :( ...but the magnified images I Love. I've even printed some this time to play with. I'm not sure If I'm going to post pics or slide shows (you know by know though)

I'm wishing you some of the Yellow.

The internet is very strange.

Lilith as a survivor

Singing singing singing

I am feeling so well, I am feeling so well, I am feeling so well, yes yes I am

I am happy I'm well, I am happy I'm well, I am happy I'm well, I'm sure you get the point... even nearly with a ta da! on the end.

I have felt well aaallll day...and only today realised how ill I had felt and for how long...even in all the lovely sunshine last week I didn't feel as sunny as this!

The antibiotic I'm on is one my dad2 helped develop years ago for Beechams chemist...I think that's quite cool.

OK....calmer now, quieter things to talk about.

My second journey picture is a challenge, lessons indeed, which I had figured when I was set the task but I am suddenly considering that this might take years instead of months. (hopefully not just this one picture though!)

Lilith.

Lilith is a name better known over the last few years. Still not so much in the UK, and I'm really not sure but I get the impression more so in the US as a feminist figure, also in France according to a friend of mine.

I had never heard of the story of Lilith until my second guided shamanic journey, the intention of which was to meet an upper world guide, receive advice from them and ask their name.

At the beginning of the journey I was in pain, one of my big toes if I recall rightly, and I was having difficulty letting go of the sensation enough to allow my emotion on which to travel until suddenly I was overwhelmed and upset with the feeling of being left behind. In that instant I was swept up in Lilith's arms and hair, like a fast rising cloud, reassured and comforted by her face and embrace.

That's the section of the journey that this picture is to do with...I didn't ask her name at this point but she introduced herself as mothercloud just after sweeping me up. Later on when I asked her name she told me she was Lilith.

Odelya was with me for this second journey as well as Jo. Jo wanted to translate the names we were given in a particular way, and when I told him my guides name Odelya was surprised that I had never heard the story of Lilith. Apparently Isrealy women are very used to her being a feminist icon because of mythology that she was the first wife of Adam who left him over equality issues.

It's an story of attempted rape, demons and babies, death and Angels and God's compassion for the angry misunderstood Lilith (kind of)...I can't find any actual kaballic references of the story though.

I have found however more reference of Lilith as a wind or storm spirit, and that seems quite fitting for the wind/cloud woman I met.

Working on her picture has thrown up a couple of challenges..

1. I can't really draw
2. I have issues to deal with other than the fact that I can't draw.

Ok, so the idea of this task is precisely to throw up those challenges...but I wish I could draw Lilith's face.

During the process today, especially when I finally allowed myself to try just to put onto the paper how I feel/felt about her, I realised that she is the same as My Blue Lady (a later guide)...I now remember that I knew this originally as I worked with MBL as a guide. My Blue Lady is all essence and light, timeless and ageless though...and Lilith is fleshy and human and aged...I see wrinkles and white hair that are young and particular and I can't draw them.

Working on this image...possibly to do with the story of Lilith, I also found issues coming up to do with the fact that I am a survivor. It's something that currently and mostly is a small issue, they were seconds, minutes and moments in my past...sometimes, something of this past is all I can see in the world. Today I just wanted to know who else in my life was a survivor...I meet regularly with eight other women and I wondered if I stood up and said "I'm a survivor" would anyone else?

I had issues of not wanting to be alone, today I felt I wanted to hug another survivor, to recognise her (or him as I have in the past) and have a hearty hug...and issues of wishing there were no shame attached to talking of these things, where are the everyday conversations of the things that make life challenging? Shame on shame.

There are many lovely support sites out there, but I also had the thought of leaving the invitation here to say feel free to say "I am a survivor" even anonymously, in recognition of ourselves and each other.

If we want to talk our stories I'll offer to make space for that too.

Mum is lovely

I've had my mum here visiting...hence the lovely family pic...

I have a computer full of my mum's images now.... some gorgeous ones of my grandparents, great grand parents, great-great grandparents! aunts uncles and cousins...a little box full of family. I remember when I was young and used to have a thing for someone, I often wished I could keep them in a little box so I could magic them out whenever I missed them. This box doesn't interfere with them going about their days either!

My life is so full....it feels wonderfully luxurious whenever I get to sit still. There is so much rush and bustle and busy things to do, but any moment I stop to ponder on my day I am thrilled with how life is, how much love there is flying about...confusion met with compassion and mistakes with forgiveness, tiredness with hugs and cups of coffee (or herb tea) and thanks to the sanity of children (and my husband) laughter outweighs grumpiness.

I'm not sure how much more anyone can ask of life. Health is a good one I suppose...we're lucky at the moment, but have loved ones we're thinking of.

I wish everyone vibrancy and energy and any help they need.

It's good to be back at the computer after a few days away...but my link rolls have disappeared somwhere. I think del.icio.us may be having a problem, so for now my tag roll is to our left instead. If things don't return to normal soon, and I usually have a link for you, I shall type them in myself.

poetry playtime

I saw the love, when from
The mouth of my lover
Came words opening doors
To endless images
Of the same. Repeating
Gently and openly.
Such endless gifts of balm
Easing aches deep within;
Ending the insistent
Quiet fear of being
Unknowing I am loved.

Boys at play

This is the week that practically disappeared! I'm ill and have finally given in today and begun a course of anti-biotics...hopefully from tomorrow the world will be a little more in focus!

The lovely bit of this week is that my parents have been staying with us...lots of chats with my mum (including lots of my mum saying "Call the doctor!") and just the treasure of having grandparents spending time with their grandkids.

I have made my first attempt at my next journey picture...hopefully the final one will be blogged in the next few days.

At least the kids have made the most of the sunshine this week....

he he he

Signed and sealed...well everything this end anyway...house found and tenency signed....at the end of my road!!!

I'm trying to remember if my sister and I have ever lived this close...er...not since I left home in 1986...that's 22 years...it's at least seven years since we lived in the same area of the country.

We can go to the pub together again...
Have dinner with everyone together...that'll be a dinner table of two mum's, two dad's, three daughters, two, sons...two of the kids being young teens, and three under fives. I'm liking the sound of that table, and in theory we could do that every night, take it in turns!!!

I'm sure if she's reading this she's looking a touch worried by now.

I'm looking forward to some barbecues in the summer though.

Big hugs today...walking in the sunshine with no coats (not even a jumper),having to play with our nieces and cakes from the bakers.

Good day.
Best kind of day

.

Enjoy the Colour!

John learning as he decorates the Hugmobile


It's already 23:41 Coordinated Universal Time...I've just discovered that description and I love it!... Coordinated Universal Time isn't that what we're all on? love it. everything is coming together beautifully.

My sister and family are visiting tomorrow ( She's coming back to Brighton!!! so are the kids and her husband...but my sister!) to find somewhere to live...And my mum and dad2 are coming to stay for five days from Monday...Grandparents in the house!

And today I have found two wonderful men!
Thanks to Suzi Blu I might add.
they are here for you to meet.
Enjoy.
night night.

Surrender

I'm so scared on the one hand, and everything feels so right on the other...

When we moved back to Brighton, it seemed less of a choice and more of an understanding that it was time, it was going to happen.

I found the perfect job, we found the perfect house (albeit more than three times the rent of our last place) Mark found work within five minutes of the house... and the school for our eldest was perfect, even after home schooling...so I accepted that a very unexpected pregnancy had to be perfect too.

Now I am here, same sensations again, terrified of what I want to acheive and financially worried. The gift a new life has been in our family is amazing...my heart is hoping for the same success with following my instincts and opportunities into doing what I want to do creatively, in the hope that somehow it will lead us to financial sustenance.

I'm actually scared of financial success though, even financial comfort...I've never known it...the thought of it makes me feel vulnerable.

I'm living comfortably now, but I'm constantly borrowing from my future self to acheive it...I'm not sure how to allow it to change, perhaps more accurately, I'm not sure how it will change if I allow it... When/As I allow it!! not if!!!

Monday I did my first reading in about three years, a mini reading at least, It had not been my intention to read but my youngest pulled out a mini deck I have and proceeded to distribute it all over our bedroom, so I went with it, voiced my desires and concerns and collected a ten card spread. Very positive indeed, and quite different from the usual for me.

I do more often take a card for the day from uniqueambrosia at http://www.users.bigpond.com/cordslayer/PAGES/reading.htm
(also listed in Everyday Nourishment to the left) Which is where the lovely surrender image above is from...it's my second card for today, and here is the cards meaning.

The inner battle to maintain control of your circumstances is futile.Your spirit is calling out to you to surrender for it knows the way and wants to guide you. What is it that has you so afraid? Surrender is all that is required. Let go, let things take their natural course. You are safe

And this was my first card

And it's meaning:

The key to achieving and fulfilling your true life purpose lies in mastering yourself. This requires conscious understanding of the person that you are. It also requires you to heal the limitations that stop you from becoming the entirity of your potential. Are you prepared to do this? This is the question you are now facing for the purpose of using your power of choice to get you to where you really want to go.

Helena's cards are so beautiful, an extraordinary deck with exceptional insight...a good carrier of light, whatever the storm.

Fox and the first journey

So this is the picture from my first journey. I have tried to stay true to the original sketch, and this is my second attempt.

Interestingly, or not, I didn't write anything about this first journey, no words seemed that important to remember...Do I stay true to that also?

I want to mention Odelya, the beautiful woman (who did have a very girl-like figure) standing in the left foreground. Odelya drummed for our first journey...Mark and I both journeyed at the same time, on the living room floor with a big chunk of rose quartz between our heads...Odelya was the original squashy goddess in my life...many goddesses, just Odelya was the squashy one.

We were in touch for a few years but have lost contact :(

All through my Journey Odelya was there as a presence, but I only saw her as pictured, wearing her big red hat, and I was only ever aware of her when I was watching over her shoulder watching fox and I dance and play. I was nothing but the essence of my self, a cloud of golden sparkling light.

That's all fox and I did on this journey play and hug and chase...joyous, exuberant...fox had been waiting for me right at the star of the journey, excited and impatient wanting to show me his home. I learnt from fox to trust actions above words.

This was my first shamanic journey. I had had visions and messages from guides before this, but I think this may remain the starting point for here.

Fox is lovely.

Thank you Fox and Thank you again Odelya.

Original bridge building sketch

Things to remember

I love the colours in this.

Canna Leaves by Elaine Hurford

While I'm taking in so much new information about art, looking at so many wonderful and interesting images...and certainly pieces of a technical level I'm never easily going to reach, I need to remember why I am looking, what I want to learn.

I want to learn how to paint with new mediums, onto canvas perhaps as well.

Even photoshop?...some amazing and quite haunting images I've found I'm sure are computer art....I'm not entirely sure that it's messy or physical enough for me, but I wont know unless I give it a go.

I'd like to try new techniques, messing about by myself is wonderful...but I could explore further faster with a map.

I don't need to learn that I'll never be that good.

We'll let that little specialist part of my brain have a holiday.

I'm assuming this involved the computer and I think it's lovely.

I'm unable to find who it's by at the moment, if you recognise it...