Thursday, 31 December 2009
Slowly walking around the garden I could hear and feel a gentle murmur of bees humming and felt the sound of birds singing as a rising and falling sensation of happiness, connection and ecstatic love within my body.
I didn't begin flying but as I approached the mirror I was no longer walking, it and I were drawn through existence to each like rushing rays of the light to bring me face to face with its cool, smooth, glass which as I touched, I could feel the weight of and I became more solid again. Seeing became easier in the solid mirror and as soon as I saw my hair I knew I was dreaming. Looking down at my hands I was mesmerised watching them turn as I turned them, reflecting in the mirror. I stroked my arms and held myself smiling at my reflection.
Exploring the scenery of the garden again, this time in the mirror's reflection, it was all more greenly vibrant and real. I could still hear the birds and insects but although I felt joy and excitement and delight, my emotions were separate to their sounds now. I stood a long time, watching and daydreaming? just being peaceful and happy until I noticed a familiar guide walking slowly toward me in the mirror's image.
The realisation that I strongly didn't want him to approach me dawned as I began to feel fear and panic rising through me that severed the clarity of my connection, Losing control of the dream, time jumped forward in starts, so that he was next to me before I could breathe. I held on to the frame of the mirror tightly looking down so as not to connect with him but I sensed his calm gentle presence standing next to my right shoulder. I could feel he was smiling and almost, gently, lovingly, laughing as he began to reach over my shoulder. I saw his hand and all awareness of sensations within me ceased as a yawning space in existence opened up around me and I sensed the ginnungagap behind all I could see.
Tightly as I held on to the mirror, when his fingers lightly tapped the frame it became air again for a moment and slipped, literally, through my fingers. As everything re-solidified, I could hear the mirror falling, thudding, cracking and shattering into thousands of fragments and everything was gone.
I could no longer sense or see anything around me through the grief, just the fragments of mirror in front of me, in which I desperately searched for all I had just lost, finding only distortions, stretched out twisted dark lines and things that made me feel afraid to focus. As much as I resisted seeing the dark things, trying to glance over them quickly, each one stabbed its image deeply straight into my centre bringing feelings of fear, abandonment, self-disgust and self-hatred, grief, remorse, embarrassment and shame.
I knew what each distorted image contained, many things I have done, the mistakes I have made, the life I took, the damage I have done to the earth, the ways I have betrayed trust placed in me through my own cowardice, my failures as a parent, all bringing more grief and unbearable remorse. Things that happened to me that I did not want to see at all, the feelings of shame and hot tears, the terror of anyone seeing that me, and my further, deeper shame of shutting that me, unhealed and unprotected, into cold isolation, leaving her to live the nightmare of how she felt, always alone. I was the abuser locking her in, ignoring her endless nightmare and abandoning her.
Trying not to feel, my eyes frantically searched unable to see clearly through the storm of feelings, not wanting to look too well as each moment of focus cut me again and again almost drowning me in dread, until suddenly, finally, came peace. The tide of images and feelings subsided and I realised I was looking into my own eyes, my face looking out at me complete and whole and contained in one shard of glass. Smiling, her/my attention taken and absorbed completely by the beauty she was lost in. The love I saw pouring out of her face felt more tangible and solid than any of my terrors now seemed in retrospect. This was reality, this was truth, this was the centre of my existence, endlessly Loving.
Looking into the Love in that one shard of glass I was healed and held forever.
I looked into the image, searching around for the beauty, searching in the little pieces of sky and garden greenery I could still see reflected around her, trying to listen for the birds or the hum, looking at her beautiful dress and body, perfect and warm and healthy. She was so beautiful and the split second I realised how beautiful she was and an inkling of envy arose in me for her beauty I realised the Love pouring out of her was her Love for me! The amazing beauty I wanted to witness was the me she could see looking back at her in the mirror.
Everything I knew about myself, fell, cracked in two, opened, tumbled out, spread, obliterated and was warmed into an incoherent cloud of passionate, gentle, over-powering Love.
I floated in the cloud, letting every atom of me be soaked and filled, saturated to overflowing, at which point I could suddenly, exquisitely, feel the love so intensely the whole process would begin again until eventually, very gradually I drifted back to consciousness.
Among the thousands of shards of mirror I could see the one with my face reflected in it immediately and had no need to look at any other, but I did anyway, looking at the pieces of my story with Love and compassion and welcoming joy that all these human, humane moments of life and decisions were mine. I sent out reassuring love and a sense of embracing to each of the shards for a long while until I felt finished and ready to bend down and pick up the shard with my face reflected. All the others were clear.
Taking the shard I sat with my guide who handed me a piece of glass-paper to sand the sharp edges so that I could hold the tiny mirror safely, and he showed me future images of myself sharing the mirror with others.
I saw and felt my Love, compassion, joy and sometimes gentle amusement at watching people's reactions...some holding tightly and crying, some dismissing and not looking, some giving up the glass easily, some needing to hold and gaze for a very long time, others showing me their reflection so that we could enjoy the beauty and Love together, which touched me with Love ever more deeply all over again. I could sense happy tears of gratitude and the beauty of the garden again.
Able, for the first moment, to look deeply and clearly into the face of my guide I became aware that he was more than one, I saw many I recognised in the flickering images I inferred from his calm loving face, and many new faces too. I thanked them all with Love and we hugged and held for a while before I had to leave and return to my everyday world.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
I was really feeling un-prepared a few days ago...I still have a very odd sensation that there has not been a year between the end of 2008 and now!
Whenever I'm in a car on a motorway, which isn't very often, I get a very solid sensation that my existence is really just that continuous moment in the car on my journey...that everything else I experience on one turn-off or another, for one day/week/month or another, is in it's own timeless bubble of existence. That regardless how long it appears I have lived between each motorway journey in reality it is less than a blink of time.
That is how I felt standing looking in my bathroom mirror this morning, less than a blink since the end of 2008...feeling super aware of some underpinning moment.
Through one of John 'Halcyon' Styn's blog posts (a beautiful one may I add) he shared this video which in turn I share here. The video comes from Symphony of Science a musical project by John Boswell designed to deliver scientific knowledge and philosophy in musical form. Enjoy ♥
And this one just fit so in with my headspace at the moment that I had to share this one too!
♥♥♥Wishing you a Love Filled Wonderous New Year!♥♥♥
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Is a physical experience
Ideas stepping off the page
Into my awareness
A cascade of
Sometimes what I see
Is a hole in the logic
A space that lets the Love
Rush through me
To bridge the gap
The beautiful underlying structure
Monday, 28 December 2009
By the divergence of my life
From what I had imagined
I have done things I never thought I would
And never did the things I thought I dreamt of
There's a sadness to those thoughts
And more than a touch of curiosity
As to how little I knew
Or still know
And an over arching sense
Of happiness, mystery and amazement
At how all this can still be me being me.
Sunday, 27 December 2009
Been listening to the gentle warm tones of Leonard Cohen tonight! This one is so beautiful:
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Sunday, 20 December 2009
That they do so in their time. Their time.
That we can rejuicify and re-ignite our lives and relationships, even in their darkest hour.
That there is an exquisite balance between being with what is
and excitement about possible futures.
That all is well, even when I can't see it.
That the world is abundant with infinite possibility.
That the glue of the universe is love. Even loving fear.
It's a good day.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
I do not agree with every home educator's point of view on this issue, we're a diverse bunch, but this speech today by Lord Lucas to the House of Lords says a lot for me.
Also this week I passed my Ofsted inspection for becoming a childminder, Yay!
Two hours of questions!!!!!
And I still have (more!) changes to make to the house
And I have to pass my pediatric first aid
And my husband needs to not turn out to be an axe wielding murderer on his CRB check
Other than that all set to go!
Never know I might actually get time to draw, paint and blog....then again there's Christmas to do next!
Hoping all goes well for us home-edders
Wishing you successes too
Monday, 2 November 2009
So I thought I'd start to share some of what goes on there, here...and in the process record, share and encourage my own learning stuff too.
Currently I need to practice my French so this are my new darlings French-tastic-people! and Ma France from the ever amazing BBC Learning team. You can use their language guage sections to assess your level and progress from there!
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
I am nothing more
Than the dream of my children
The dream of my childhood
The light of Love's memories
Seen through my Heart.
I Love You
Monday, 12 October 2009
Rambling thinking ideas dawning
Papers folding leaving marks
Unsure writing in the dark
Flowing loving feelings ebbing
Information begins filtering
Through the lighted cracks
Hopeful waiting wishing holding
Memories treasured now are fleeting
Little voices chime beginnings
Of the clean slate day.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
The wave sucks back in,
Falling over itself
As it bubbles and hisses
I've sat so many times
Looking into this hiss,
Always some part of me
For the wave
to have come further.
Just that tiny bit further.
To have rested
before its own undertow
Sucked it back in.
Monday, 21 September 2009
The draw remembered
The passing of moments
Releasing of tears
The dance of it's moving
The cool of it's air
The spacing between
Me and the world
It and my soft spots
Work and my innocence
Dreams and their end
And it's incense
I miss it.
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Ha Ha Ha...doing the 'I'm in the house ON MY OWN dance'!!
Saturday, 12 September 2009
Still, to this moment in my life, I associate the Thomas song with the extra half hour-half asleep in bed-that I used to relish when our eldest was still so little...so I'm a happy thirty-nine year old too!
Life is never what I expect! My love is with those that don't love me back, my patience is with those that drive me the most demented, and my prayers are with our niece for as swift a turn for the better as there was for the worse...If you feel like sending prayers or healing to our next grand niece/nephew, due 25th Dec, the are gratefully received.
Monday, 31 August 2009
A gorgeous, vibrant, never caught the woman sitting still, friend of mine today suggested that one of the important things to takle in marriage is the boredom. !!!???
My brain is still !!!???
I'm struggling to imagine the possibility of boredom having the chance to settle in. Depression, anger, resentment, guilt, all often callers.
Perhaps you'd have to be constantly happy in order to get bored with it.
Perhaps I'm keeping myself so full and busy and challenged in denial of boredom?
Sunday, 30 August 2009
In exhausted ecstasy
Thoughts and worlds
Tumbling, dissolving, streamers
Around my bed
I slipped into Knowing
I am Loving
I am Loving Everything
I am Nothing Loving Everything.
Then it hit me
I am that darkness
That refreshing cool Void
I am the space
I was no longer staring into the Void
Longing and fearing
Choosing and turning in the same moment
I have become whole again with who I was
Not by Leaping
But by being
Into which I had dissolved.
Yelling I get! I get it! I get it!
Instead I smiled
Floated in Peace
Dark Peace Deep
In the cool refreshing space
Not even Loving
Not even Love
I heard somewhere once
That the journey for men
Was to learn that they are Love
Yet be pre-disposed
To knowing they are Nothing
Whilst the journey
Was to understand
That they are Nothing
Beyond their knowledge
That they are Love
I had stood there once
On the path
Pulled and invited
Tempted yet holding
For my son
Half of me left
Half of me stayed
If I could ever let myself fall
Then there I was Loving,
It was clear
I was Nothing
That was Loving
I was there
As the Darkness
As the the ocean
I had feared.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Julia, I know what it's like. I've seen it played out a few zillion times. You're waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they'll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they'll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...
Well, I'm here to tell you, Julia, your wait is over. That someone, is you.
Good thing you rock,
Julia, here's some sage advice I once scrawled onto a cave wall long before the wheel, Atlantis, and Facebook:
Aim with your heart, adjust with your head, and always, always, always, do all you can.
Caves, email, same, same.
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Sunday, 23 August 2009
I find that life and myself are flowing in little rivulets back toward some body of self, of source.
And of course it's all Love Love and more than I can imagine, Love.
There is such peace there, yet somehow staying true to that source/self/truth is such a challenging path.
Ahhh, starting to get the feeling of the 'peace in the centre of the storm'
It all seems so new and so fragile all over again...
Let me stay keen to this.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
There's the most stylish pic!
There's the relief of a tea tent that serves HUGE slices of cake!
After which everything else...
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Cold tears feel hot on my face
Grief is the tide coming in
Sharp and dark, the rocks.
Back to the process of abduction
Heart and mind taken against will
Thoughts invade with slightest seduction
Every sunny thought
Turns to rain.
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Some things a challenge
Somethings like seeds,
Wake ups like lightning
Moments all changing
Days just like these.
Life bought me fullness
Bought me to loving
Life gave me children
Life gave me difference
Life opens constantly
Creaking the cross beams
Letting the rain in
With tendrilling leaves
My heart lives in sunshine
And beats about freedom
And life is a breeze
When I remember
Monday, 27 July 2009
Offering this today it's a brief reminder/explaination of some points Bruce Lipton covered in one of the Jennifer McLean's Healing with the Masters shows earlier this year. It's been good for me today. I came to this after clicking on a Bruce Lipton quote promoting EFT which we've been using to the max in our house over the last 24hrs...I'm happy with the little links life is offering me today!
I use my blogger blog as my on-line 'centre' so the links and video bars and are essentially set up for my own use, my own reminders just as my own old scrappy books of writing are where I return to to centre myself in my physical world...I definitely love being able to share all the things I find too though!
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
Hmmmm...just pondering the forgiveness thing
I have a sense that asking for forgiveness is not asking to be 'let off' but a wish that the person wronged be released from their anger and hurt by a heartfelt remorse. That balance and freeing of Love to flow clearly again is the desired result.
I also understand for-give-ness to be the giving of love in circumstances you would not have thought possible until it happens.
The thing I'm pondering this morning is more about my concept of Spirit/God/All That Is and forgiveness...
That perhaps my feelings of faith and surrender to something bigger than myself are my need for forgiveness. That perhaps I'm really not sure how to forgive myself without external forgiveness...even though when I feel I need to ask for forgiveness I have faith that I am forgiven instantly, automatically, no questions asked and feel the release and Love flow immediately.
'forgiveness is not asking to be 'let off' but a wish that the person wronged be released from their anger and hurt by a heartfelt remorse'
! The faith I do have of Spirit/Universal Energy/Love Eternal is that It Is complete, undamageable and impossible to offend and so would have no need of releasing from its angry judgements
Huh! Forgiving myself all along! Cool!
Been Wondering about that all morning...funny how far we can get from our own understanding!
Now I'm wondering if each time we come back round to understanding something we do so more deeply than before? And does it ever stick permanently?
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Thursday, 25 June 2009
My life blur is usually shot through with Vibrant Turquoise, Mellow Yellow, Loving Pink and Peaceful Green. Thoughts and ideas of lovely souls on this planet other than my immediate kin...and I feel less sane, less rich without them.
Life is full though, of other beauties and thought provocation, other Energisers and Serious amounts of Sunshine (well for England at least!) and a seemingly constant barrage of shop, clean, cook completely unrevealed by my unkempt house...beginning to wish I'd found the pennies and space for Leonie and Lisa's de-cluttering fest!
Okay I'm off to get my fix, soak in some inspiration and work out what's next in the mix.