Monday, 22 September 2008

Full Circle

I thought I was just coming to post this picture...say Look what I've done! Sorry it's been nearly a week...see you soon...Life has been busy.

Thing is I had a bit of an epiphany last night about shame...about my shame. I realised, (strangely in a blissfully happy moment) that the shame I feel about how my body looks, about my eating, my teeth, my far less than glowing health, the things I have done to my own body, especially it's visible gain in fat, exactly equals the shame I feel about things that were done to my body by others in my past and my sexuality.
I was reeling around somewhere in that, confused quite as to whether the shame I feel now, if I think about being seen by others, is the continued shame from the past, if they were the same, when it suddenly felt so simple, as though in hiding shame day to day, hiding feelings under food, trying to keep myself free of it, it had popped out from the middle of me and was completely visible...all over!
With that realisation came the understanding that now I could deal with that shame. I can treat my body how it wants to be treated, let it be strong and sexy and vibrant, and let the shame be there, visible and open until it dissolves.

All well and good. Dawn comes, another day, a testing day and I shied away from discussing this further, certainly away from blogging about it...too vulnerable, too out there...I feel it slipping under the the surface of lost ideas, and missed opportunities for growth. That was all except for the intentions of Lilith, mother cloud, My Blue Lady...wise, timeless gracious guide to me that she is.

She often has other ideas.

My opening line today was about it, my plan was roughly that and to link back to the post that showed the original journey sketch I was working from which is here. When I read through the previous post part of me immediately wanted to curl up and hide! These are not my everyday conversations...I am completely comfortable for these conversations to come up, but the shame game means not starting them, catch 22 of course,so generally nobody does...

Today I ask for the lessons to keep coming, knowing I have the best teachers and healers on hand.

(Co-)incidently the Jo mentioned in the post, though currently living in Thailand, arrives at ours tomorrow.
Full Circle for sure.

1 comments:

pen* said...

i am a little speechless as both this, and your previous posts, are very, very powerful. thank you so much for sharing something so honest and raw. i just want to give you a big bear hug...
what you write is so poignant: "hiding shame day to day, hiding feelings under food, trying to keep myself free of it, it had popped out from the middle of me and was completely visible.." and when i read that, i made the immediate correlation with someone very close to me, who has found a renewed respect for their own body. in fact we were having a conversation about shame only a couple of days ago, and they told me by openly talking about their experience, it has actually started to relinquish them of the shame that they felt. it was as if suddenly it was no longer a shameful secret they had to guard. they realised when they declared it out there: yes, this happened to me - they were reclaiming the power that they felt had been stolen from them... i am going to share your post with them, because i think it will resonate and reinforce the journey they are on. thank you again xx